My Femininity

As usual this post is simply my opinion. So what you read below is only applicable to me, If you agree with what I say great, if not please read this part again… 🙂

Our true feelings and emotions are usually lost as soon as we try to translate them into words. Likewise even the words are often easily misunderstood. Take femininity, it can be expressed in a multitude of ways. The mind conjures up a host of looks and emotions when you hear the word, so in truth how can one word ever hope to convey all of that. A majority of women around the world would identify as being feminine, but I suggest it would be very hard for them to reach a consensus on what being feminine actually means or looks like.

Sure I’m not a woman and I’m not trying to be, but that doesn’t stop me possessing bags of feminine energy. It has burst forth all my life, even when I was trying to be a “normal’ man. Now I openly identify with being genderqueer, the fem side of me is taking over everything, no doubt in a attempt to make up for the time my poor deadheart has been incarcerated within a lie.

For me my feminine side is expressed in all aspects of my life from the way I hold a cup, talk, walk, dress even sleep. It comes from within and is unknowingly based on all the women I have ever witnessed in the real world and even those portrayed in film and TV. What it means to be feminine comes in through all my senses, it’s fermented in the brain and then expressed in my own unique way.

I am not trying to look like a ‘typical’ woman whatever that means, I’m dressing up as Exhumea who may or may not be wearing things people typically associate with women. The difference is subtle but very important, at least to me.  I have always loved the look of high heeled Victorian lace up boots. Sadly very few women wear them nowadays and you certainly see even fewer men wearing them :), So when I put a pair on society straightway wrongly or rightly sees me as trying to be a woman (and failing) when in truth I’m just trying to be me.

I have spoken in previous blogs about my weight loss being about becoming more androgynous. However I am not gender neutral, I am genderfluid. I do somethings that are seen as ‘typically’ female and some that are ‘typically’ male. A few things I do that society would label as feminine: grow my nails long and paint them, pluck my eyebrows, do everything to make my eyelashes look naturally longer. (Castor oil seems to work for me). Everyday, twice a day I cream every part 😉 of my body, and finally I de-hair my body twice a week with a NoNo (it does work it just takes forever but that’s another post.)

But I am veering off topic. The upshot is all the stuff that may look to everyone else as some bloke trying to look like a woman, is done from a need to express the true me in that moment.  It is not done for a sexual high or to trap men into thinking I am hot stuff (that was written with tongue firmly tucked in cheek) as you have to be very drunk or short sighted to think I was ever ‘hot stuff’ in any form.

Sure some men and women may get turned on by crossdressing and that’s fine, for many it is just a fetish, but that’s not me. When I put a pair Victorian boots on I don’t suddenly become aroused, I don’t sit fantasizing about wearing the boots. I love that style and when I’m expressing by feminine side to the world that is what I wear.

So in summary, I do what I feel when I need to express my innermost feelings. The more liberated I feel the more I tend to express my feminine energy. It has been suppressed for so many years it feels exhilarating to be out and free. Having said that it also can feel very confusing even frightening and lonely. Like it or not being feminine as a man is still a long way from being considered ‘normal’ or acceptable. despite what they may have you believe on the TV.

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My use of Genderqueer / Genderfluid

This is just a very quick post to clarify that I use both the term GenderQueer and Genderfluid across this site to describe myself . They both work for me. I like GenderQueer more as it doesn’t sound so gooey lol. Personally I’m in constant flux when it comes to how I express my gender, This is always the case no matter what I may look like on the outside. Yes I can look like a boring old man and be thinking about nail varnish colours or I could look like a fem cyberfreak and be thinking about how I screwed up that last mortise and tenon joint (it’s sloppy trust me). It’s confusing and exhausting much like bipolar but it’s who I am, I’ve made peace with it even if most of the world simply doesn’t’ get it.

Genderfluid
gender identity or gender expression is not fixed and shifts over time or depending on the situation.”

GenderQueer
gender identity that is other than male or female, is a combination of the two genders, or is on a continuum between the two genders

I don’t think any of the above contradicts anything I have written across this site, but if you find it does, I’ll  just deny it and blame a glitch in the Matrix 🙂

 

About Exhumea Deadheart

Just the facts:-
Exhumea is a real person.  Exhumea is me.  Sure the name may not be the one I use on a everyday basis, but everything I express is 100% my truth.

I was born in the late 1960’s in a leafy suburb in England (So yes, I am well old!!!) I now reside in Scotland. At a very young age, I learned that being different was not a good thing and thus I hated school, making that time very difficult. I endured the usual years of bullying, loneliness, fear and loathing, etc.
I left formal education at 16 and never looked back or regretted that decision.

In the early 90’s I got married. And despite all the twists and turns of life, we are still together. This is probably down to the fact that my wife and I don’t keep secrets from each other.  So yes she knows everything there is to know about me.  My wife has the ‘proper job’, and I stay at home doing all the things she hates or can’t:  cooking, cleaning, gardening and DIY. This arrangement has worked for us for almost 18 years.  Before that we both had ‘proper jobs’. The only problem was that we hardly ever saw each other.  And whilst I hated my job, she loved hers. Society believes that people who stay at home just sit and drink coffee watching crap daytime TV.  Personally I don’t do either. When all my daily tasks are completed, I am to be found in the garden (weather permitting) or building something. I have over the years made some money as an artist and photographer which I still do when the mood takes me.

The Fem inside
Over the years I have tried to keep my feminine side hidden, but there have been occasions when I was seriously set on becoming a woman. Keeping the girl in me a secret has brought me many years of great pain and confusion. I have always loved beauty, colours, makeup and fashion and to this day I have very little if anything in common with ‘real men’.  

How the GenderQueer me is breaking out
While I may never be a woman or even pass as one, I can be something else. Something else which makes much more sense than trying to convert this monkey into a unicorn. I can be both.  Now before you start rolling your eyes, I must underline what I mean. Being GenderQueer for me has nothing to do with SEX, It has everything to do with thoughts, feelings and looks. Over the past months I have awoken to the fact that I can let my female side show. I am not a woman on the outside and I am not a man on the inside,  but I can create my own unique look. Everyone is different and I would be foolish to assume what works for one another will work for another. To me being gender fluid is me waking up to the realisation I am whom am, and not to be afraid or hide away anymore.

The purpose of this site
I am using this site as a tool to explain how I feel about my gender and document what I discover whilst creating a skin I’m comfortable in. Topics will include: weight loss, skin care, make-up, fashion and gender, as well as a host of non related stuff that I find fascinating. In time, once I’ve perfected my look, I hope to be brave enough to start doing a Vlog on youtube as I fully understand we live in a time where many would rather watch than read.

Take care
Exhumea Deadheart

exhumeadeadheart

Coming Out as GenderQueer

You may wish to view this post to clarify  My use of Genderqueer / Genderfluid

Today I’m outing myself as GenderQueer, now you must understand this is just between  you and me, it will be our little secret :). For some, correction for many, Gender fluidity is just a big eye roll, it’s what all the Coolest kids are doing these days until they figure out who they really are. The only problem is I’ve seldom been cool and it’s been decades since I was a kid. I’m 51 years old if you must know and happily as anyone can be married lol. I confess I figured out when I was a kid I was different in so many ways. All my life I have lived suffocating behind the persona of a ‘normal’ guy, while at the same time playing out a very different life style in my head.

I believed in my head was the only place my difference could ever exist, but after years of pain and suffering on all levels I decided enough was enough. Everyone around me seemed perfectly fucked up, miserable and lost, was this really anyway to live ones only life?
I was aware that I was becoming a very phobic and hate filled person, I was also aware I had far less life before me than a had behind. My time of languishing in depression and self loathing was over. It was time for the genderless, happy, bright and loving me in my head to start running the show, as the Sad boy and Man I presented to the world had really done a shit job.

So what does being Genderfluid really mean, and more to the point what does it mean  for a person of my age, many people will say again, come on this is really just for the young and beautiful right? I have to say again No! However I do concede it is probably easier for younger people to be taken seriously, when they say they are genderfluid. It’s  still simply not the done thing for people like me to break from the ranks of traditional  stereotypes. If one is brave enough to do so society at worse will hate and ridicule them  or at best simply ostracise their ass out of there.

When I was a teen growing up near london, back in the dark ages if I had said to my peers ‘look guys I don’t want to be tied down to a fixed gender’ first they wouldn’t even  of had a clue what i was talking about and after a few seconds of blank looks they would have said something like ‘YOU WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING QUEER OR SOMETHINK?’ and then probably kicked my head in just in case i was. Sure your still likely to get beat up if you say or look the wrong way around the wrong crowd, but society in general is slowly accepting we are all different.

I know I didn’t answer the question, what does being Genderfluid really mean? Well that my friends is the whole point of this blog, to relay what it means to me  (Take note I said to me). Its call gender fluidity for a reason it’s changing all the time and that is as it should be, we really don’t need yet another pigeon hole to stuff people we don’t understand in.

For me gender fluidity has more to do with thoughts, feelings and aesthetics than what seems to obsess the mainstream media, SEX. It goes without saying that many who do not understand will simply write Gender fluidity off as a SEX thing, a fetish or just a game of dress up.  In the Monty Python movie Life of Brian they say  ‘It’s every man’s right to be a woman’ . Now in 2018 Ideally it should be ‘It’s every persons right to be whatever the hell they want, whenever they want and not be questioned.’ I confess that’s not quite as funny, but let’s face it way more inclusive.

Till next time
Exhumea Deadheart
Exhume your dead heart today, it will thank you for it.

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