About Exhumea Deadheart

Just the facts:-
Exhumea is a real person.  Exhumea is me.  Sure the name may not be the one I use on a everyday basis, but everything I express is 100% my truth.

I was born in the late 1960’s in a leafy suburb in England (So yes, I am well old!!!) I now reside in Scotland. At a very young age, I learned that being different was not a good thing and thus I hated school, making that time very difficult. I endured the usual years of bullying, loneliness, fear and loathing, etc.
I left formal education at 16 and never looked back or regretted that decision.

In the early 90’s I got married. And despite all the twists and turns of life, we are still together. This is probably down to the fact that my wife and I don’t keep secrets from each other.  So yes she knows everything there is to know about me.  My wife has the ‘proper job’, and I stay at home doing all the things she hates or can’t:  cooking, cleaning, gardening and DIY. This arrangement has worked for us for almost 18 years.  Before that we both had ‘proper jobs’. The only problem was that we hardly ever saw each other.  And whilst I hated my job, she loved hers. Society believes that people who stay at home just sit and drink coffee watching crap daytime TV.  Personally I don’t do either. When all my daily tasks are completed, I am to be found in the garden (weather permitting) or building something. I have over the years made some money as an artist and photographer which I still do when the mood takes me.

The Fem inside
Over the years I have tried to keep my feminine side hidden, but there have been occasions when I was seriously set on becoming a woman. Keeping the girl in me a secret has brought me many years of great pain and confusion. I have always loved beauty, colours, makeup and fashion and to this day I have very little if anything in common with ‘real men’.  

How the GenderQueer me is breaking out
While I may never be a woman or even pass as one, I can be something else. Something else which makes much more sense than trying to convert this monkey into a unicorn. I can be both.  Now before you start rolling your eyes, I must underline what I mean. Being GenderQueer for me has nothing to do with SEX, It has everything to do with thoughts, feelings and looks. Over the past months I have awoken to the fact that I can let my female side show. I am not a woman on the outside and I am not a man on the inside,  but I can create my own unique look. Everyone is different and I would be foolish to assume what works for one another will work for another. To me being gender fluid is me waking up to the realisation I am whom am, and not to be afraid or hide away anymore.

The purpose of this site
I am using this site as a tool to explain how I feel about my gender and document what I discover whilst creating a skin I’m comfortable in. Topics will include: weight loss, skin care, make-up, fashion and gender, as well as a host of non related stuff that I find fascinating. In time, once I’ve perfected my look, I hope to be brave enough to start doing a Vlog on youtube as I fully understand we live in a time where many would rather watch than read.

Take care
Exhumea Deadheart

exhumeadeadheart

GenderQueer keeping the label big…

Humans have an Innate need to label things, it’s really not our best quality. Once a thing has a label we believe we know it, once we think we know it, all the wonder is sucked dry. We wander through the universe tagging and bagging everything. Everything must be pigeonholed including you. You can stamp your feet and scream till you puke, but once you’re labelled ain’t no one coming by for a long time, if ever to re-evaluate.

Like them bitches ‘fear and doubt’, your label will usually limit your life experience. For example, on exiting the womb you’re usually labelled boy or girl, that would be ok if it simply let people know what parts you have should you want to produce children. Sadly, genitalia is used by ‘the system’ to start a whole array of fixed programming patterns from colours, to hair cuts, emotional repertoire to even the material your clothes are made from. Despite the fact we claim society supports male and female equality ‘the system’ says otherwise. Thankfully for ‘the system’ at least most people don’t question their labels and those that do are just given another one which seldom does much to improve the situation. Let’s not forget the labels are usually handed out by traditional grey system men, who may mean well but simply don’t’ have much imagination or colour in their life. Even in 2018 boys that like pink and girls that like blue are still considered well’ special’ and it is typically hoped they grow out of it, or if necessary have it beaten or humiliated out of them by their peers.

I was given a label of boy as a child which my penis demands, my life, yes all 50+ years of it has been a rather difficult affair because very early on I figured I hated the boring life roles, not to mention the toys boys got. I was a hopeless boy and wanted to be a girl, as i aged things started not to seem so clear cut. Now I’m finally happy being  whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. Sure that really pisses a lot of people off,  including i’m sure my own parents if they were still alive. No one believes anyone should be able to have their cake and eat it too. People don’t like ambiguity, it requires that they treat everyone they meet as individuals which takes too much time and effort. However I think life is too short to be typecast into a role you never even chose.

All my life people have always called me different, even my own family and friends. I had no official label for my difference 40, 20 or even 2 years ago because either the label Genderqueer /gender-fluid didn’t exist or I’d never come across it. However, once I did hear the label and really thought about it I understood it was large enough to represent my myriad of feelings and desires. Everyday I feel people will do their best to make this large umbrella label as small as all the rest. They will say you have to be A or B and look like Y or Z in order to fit the tag.  If that happens and the label does shrink in the wash then I may conclude it can no longer fit me.  I wish we didn’t have to have stupid labels, but sadly they are needed in our small minded world. At their best labels protect, bond and validate thoughts actions and feelings, at their worst labels alienate, segregate and lead to trains that take people to be gassed.

exDtrooper

The Genderless Action figure from my childhood that sadly never was

 

Coming Out as GenderQueer

You may wish to view this post to clarify  My use of Genderqueer / Genderfluid

Today I’m outing myself as GenderQueer, now you must understand this is just between  you and me, it will be our little secret :). For some, correction for many, Gender fluidity is just a big eye roll, it’s what all the Coolest kids are doing these days until they figure out who they really are. The only problem is I’ve seldom been cool and it’s been decades since I was a kid. I’m 51 years old if you must know and happily as anyone can be married lol. I confess I figured out when I was a kid I was different in so many ways. All my life I have lived suffocating behind the persona of a ‘normal’ guy, while at the same time playing out a very different life style in my head.

I believed in my head was the only place my difference could ever exist, but after years of pain and suffering on all levels I decided enough was enough. Everyone around me seemed perfectly fucked up, miserable and lost, was this really anyway to live ones only life?
I was aware that I was becoming a very phobic and hate filled person, I was also aware I had far less life before me than a had behind. My time of languishing in depression and self loathing was over. It was time for the genderless, happy, bright and loving me in my head to start running the show, as the Sad boy and Man I presented to the world had really done a shit job.

So what does being Genderfluid really mean, and more to the point what does it mean  for a person of my age, many people will say again, come on this is really just for the young and beautiful right? I have to say again No! However I do concede it is probably easier for younger people to be taken seriously, when they say they are genderfluid. It’s  still simply not the done thing for people like me to break from the ranks of traditional  stereotypes. If one is brave enough to do so society at worse will hate and ridicule them  or at best simply ostracise their ass out of there.

When I was a teen growing up near london, back in the dark ages if I had said to my peers ‘look guys I don’t want to be tied down to a fixed gender’ first they wouldn’t even  of had a clue what i was talking about and after a few seconds of blank looks they would have said something like ‘YOU WHAT? ARE YOU FUCKING QUEER OR SOMETHINK?’ and then probably kicked my head in just in case i was. Sure your still likely to get beat up if you say or look the wrong way around the wrong crowd, but society in general is slowly accepting we are all different.

I know I didn’t answer the question, what does being Genderfluid really mean? Well that my friends is the whole point of this blog, to relay what it means to me  (Take note I said to me). Its call gender fluidity for a reason it’s changing all the time and that is as it should be, we really don’t need yet another pigeon hole to stuff people we don’t understand in.

For me gender fluidity has more to do with thoughts, feelings and aesthetics than what seems to obsess the mainstream media, SEX. It goes without saying that many who do not understand will simply write Gender fluidity off as a SEX thing, a fetish or just a game of dress up.  In the Monty Python movie Life of Brian they say  ‘It’s every man’s right to be a woman’ . Now in 2018 Ideally it should be ‘It’s every persons right to be whatever the hell they want, whenever they want and not be questioned.’ I confess that’s not quite as funny, but let’s face it way more inclusive.

Till next time
Exhumea Deadheart
Exhume your dead heart today, it will thank you for it.

deadrise