Valentines day

Valentines day can be the most wonderful or painful day of the year. Personally I didn’t get a valentines card until I was about 24, so I had many years of knowing Charlie Brown’s pain.
I pity the younger me now as I do all of those that believe that finding that ‘perfect’ person will somehow solve all their problems, it seldom does. The truth is we really do need to know who we are and yes even love ourselves before we can ever hope to be of any use to someone else. Love requires total openness and honesty to succeed and unless you can look in the mirror and know who you truly are, warts and all, it will probably fail. If you are happy to lie to yourself you will in turn lie to everyone you meet and claim to love, which is a recipe for a disaster.

‘If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’
RuPaul

I think the quote above should be the first thing every school should teach every pupil. It truly would be far more useful to the world than learning how to count or read.

So

exhumeadeadheartdotcom

 

My Femininity

As usual this post is simply my opinion. So what you read below is only applicable to me, If you agree with what I say great, if not please read this part again… 🙂

Our true feelings and emotions are usually lost as soon as we try to translate them into words. Likewise even the words are often easily misunderstood. Take femininity, it can be expressed in a multitude of ways. The mind conjures up a host of looks and emotions when you hear the word, so in truth how can one word ever hope to convey all of that. A majority of women around the world would identify as being feminine, but I suggest it would be very hard for them to reach a consensus on what being feminine actually means or looks like.

Sure I’m not a woman and I’m not trying to be, but that doesn’t stop me possessing bags of feminine energy. It has burst forth all my life, even when I was trying to be a “normal’ man. Now I openly identify with being genderqueer, the fem side of me is taking over everything, no doubt in a attempt to make up for the time my poor deadheart has been incarcerated within a lie.

For me my feminine side is expressed in all aspects of my life from the way I hold a cup, talk, walk, dress even sleep. It comes from within and is unknowingly based on all the women I have ever witnessed in the real world and even those portrayed in film and TV. What it means to be feminine comes in through all my senses, it’s fermented in the brain and then expressed in my own unique way.

I am not trying to look like a ‘typical’ woman whatever that means, I’m dressing up as Exhumea who may or may not be wearing things people typically associate with women. The difference is subtle but very important, at least to me.  I have always loved the look of high heeled Victorian lace up boots. Sadly very few women wear them nowadays and you certainly see even fewer men wearing them :), So when I put a pair on society straightway wrongly or rightly sees me as trying to be a woman (and failing) when in truth I’m just trying to be me.

I have spoken in previous blogs about my weight loss being about becoming more androgynous. However I am not gender neutral, I am genderfluid. I do somethings that are seen as ‘typically’ female and some that are ‘typically’ male. A few things I do that society would label as feminine: grow my nails long and paint them, pluck my eyebrows, do everything to make my eyelashes look naturally longer. (Castor oil seems to work for me). Everyday, twice a day I cream every part 😉 of my body, and finally I de-hair my body twice a week with a NoNo (it does work it just takes forever but that’s another post.)

But I am veering off topic. The upshot is all the stuff that may look to everyone else as some bloke trying to look like a woman, is done from a need to express the true me in that moment.  It is not done for a sexual high or to trap men into thinking I am hot stuff (that was written with tongue firmly tucked in cheek) as you have to be very drunk or short sighted to think I was ever ‘hot stuff’ in any form.

Sure some men and women may get turned on by crossdressing and that’s fine, for many it is just a fetish, but that’s not me. When I put a pair Victorian boots on I don’t suddenly become aroused, I don’t sit fantasizing about wearing the boots. I love that style and when I’m expressing by feminine side to the world that is what I wear.

So in summary, I do what I feel when I need to express my innermost feelings. The more liberated I feel the more I tend to express my feminine energy. It has been suppressed for so many years it feels exhilarating to be out and free. Having said that it also can feel very confusing even frightening and lonely. Like it or not being feminine as a man is still a long way from being considered ‘normal’ or acceptable. despite what they may have you believe on the TV.

deadheartpink

My use of Genderqueer / Genderfluid

This is just a very quick post to clarify that I use both the term GenderQueer and Genderfluid across this site to describe myself . They both work for me. I like GenderQueer more as it doesn’t sound so gooey lol. Personally I’m in constant flux when it comes to how I express my gender, This is always the case no matter what I may look like on the outside. Yes I can look like a boring old man and be thinking about nail varnish colours or I could look like a fem cyberfreak and be thinking about how I screwed up that last mortise and tenon joint (it’s sloppy trust me). It’s confusing and exhausting much like bipolar but it’s who I am, I’ve made peace with it even if most of the world simply doesn’t’ get it.

Genderfluid
gender identity or gender expression is not fixed and shifts over time or depending on the situation.”

GenderQueer
gender identity that is other than male or female, is a combination of the two genders, or is on a continuum between the two genders

I don’t think any of the above contradicts anything I have written across this site, but if you find it does, I’ll  just deny it and blame a glitch in the Matrix 🙂

 

Weight loss Page added

EDnotfatI’ve Just added a Weight loss Page to this site, but I thought I may as well make post out of it as well.
I doubt this post will be of much interest to anyone else, but it’s here to keep me motivated to succeed, while keeping track of how I’m doing. As a Genderfluid person my aim is to be as thin and androgynous as possible, this is so I can remain fluid with my looks. There are so many great outfits and costumes that I want to wear, In truth I’m about a thousand sizes to big right now for all of them 🙂  You can view the stuff I love on my Pinterest page.

General health and diet
I have been overweight for a long time probably since around 1996, before that I was always very skinny. Fortunately I have always remained active and I carry my weight well (in clothes anyway). Despite my size I am relatively fit for my age, I’ve never ever smoked (no not even a puff) and I didn’t really start drinking alcohol till I was about 27. I decided to become a vegetarian 14 years ago, on 1st January 2018 I also cut out dairy and eggs for all intents and purposes I’m now Vegan. Personally I never found giving up meat hard and seldom if ever crave it. Likewise giving up milk cheese and eggs has not really been an issue. I eat a vegan diet now not just for health reasons, but also because I live in rural Scotland and see the life farm animals live. That said If people must eat meat and dairy, I recommend they eat UK sourced products, as I would hate to think what animal welfare is like in countries that don’t even have our ‘standards of animal care’.

In January I also started the the 5:2 fast diet which really isn’t a diet to loose weight as such, more a way of life, I concluded years ago diets don’t work, however after doing my research I believe that fasting does have positive health benefits. I fast on Mondays and Thursdays, on the 5:2 fast diet you still get to eat 500 calories on fast days. During the rest of the week I will eat normally. I won’t go into all the possible advantages of fasting here other than to say if even half of it is true I owe my body a chance to heal and repair from years of poor eating. View about the 5:2 fast diet here.

Drinking plain water is the key to success in all health and fitness lifestyles, I’m convinced most of us are actually dehydrated rather than hungry most of the time. While I understand many people would join a health club or start cycling or running to lose weight. I will not be doing this, I personally believe people often put to much of a strain on their bodies. It is simply my personal view that over exertion especially later in life can be very dangerous, I know a number of people who have started a new fitness lifestyle and ended up in hospital with broken bones, strokes and heart attacks. While everyone always says they will take it easy, most of us secretly believe we are superhuman. For me the best and most natural fitness is just to walk everyday, the human body was only designed to run for short distances to hunt or escape being hunted. I’m a big fan of dynamic tension, so everyday I do a small number of stretching/flexing and tension movements, this and moisturising with cocoa butter seems to help keep the dreaded stretch marks at bay. I think everyone is responsible for their own health, my personal life experience has made it impossible to trust doctors and the NHS, so prevention in my eyes is the best and only real option.


Below: I will update my weights and measurements every month, my weight will be updated on the 1st, measurements on the 28th. I see little point in measuring any more, as I find it can become counter productive, especially if things are not going as you hoped. FYI I’m 5’11 (out of heels lol)

Weight:
Jan 1 2018 –  19.84 stone / 277.76 pounds 
Feb 1 2018 –  18.84 stone / 263.76 pounds

Measurements:
Jan 28th 2018
Stomach at belly button: 50’’/127cm   Thigh: 27’’/68.58cm  Neck: 16 1/2’’ / 41.91cm

Sex and Gender Assumptions

ASSUMeexumeadeadheart

For me, two of the biggest misconceptions / assumptions about gender-fluidity are firstly that its something new, secondly all people that cross-dress are gender-fluid. I reiterate what I have said in previous posts, being genderqueer is more about thoughts and feelings than appearance. Sure people that describe themselves as Genderqueer / gender-fluid can and do wear clothes from both male and female wardrobes, but they don’t have to, there are no rules. Society is always very very slow to realise this. For example even in our so called ‘enlightened’ times many still hang on the idea that gays and lesbians can only sound or act a certain way.

It would be fair to say that it is our assumptions that hold our world back and keep our minds closed. It is often the case that even those that claim to fight for freedom and equality are just as quick to pass assumptions on others when it comes to how they look. Clothes, makeup, nail/ hair length and even the colours they wear are used to often wrongly pigeonhole and discredit people. These assumption are really outdated rude and sexist. FYI Women that attack other women because they make a living off their appearance are just as sexist as any man.

The guy that rolls down the window to wolf whistle the sexy long haired blonde in the tight jeans only to discover, in fact it is a male heavy metal fan bears out that our limited view of the world is deeply flawed. Our small minded judgements are the same reason true equality is still decades off.

Sure gender-fluid sounds strange and sadly derives much ridicule, the name may be new, but the feeling of being gender-fluid has always been with us . Think about it, not all those bullied Sissy boys and Tomboy girls of the last century grew out of it, nor did they identify as, or become gay or lesbian. They were the others, the outcasts without a label, who felt and expressed life differently because human experiences simply aren’t or have never been that cut and dry.

So when you see a beautiful girl who is ‘obviously’ a boy, a strong looking man who is ‘obviously’ a girl, don’t assume anything about their sex or gender. If you do you will probably not only be wrong, but also even if you have the best intentions cause embarrassment and offence. This stuff is difficult for all of us, we can feel like we are all walking on egg shells, but if we take it slow we can start up meaningful dialogues with each other. If you don’t know if someone is a he/she/they etc, then simple smile and say hello how are you or hello how can I help you. Be friendly, be nice and assume nothing.

About Exhumea Deadheart

Just the facts:-
Exhumea is a real person.  Exhumea is me.  Sure the name may not be the one I use on a everyday basis, but everything I express is 100% my truth.

I was born in the late 1960’s in a leafy suburb in England (So yes, I am well old!!!) I now reside in Scotland. At a very young age, I learned that being different was not a good thing and thus I hated school, making that time very difficult. I endured the usual years of bullying, loneliness, fear and loathing, etc.
I left formal education at 16 and never looked back or regretted that decision.

In the early 90’s I got married. And despite all the twists and turns of life, we are still together. This is probably down to the fact that my wife and I don’t keep secrets from each other.  So yes she knows everything there is to know about me.  My wife has the ‘proper job’, and I stay at home doing all the things she hates or can’t:  cooking, cleaning, gardening and DIY. This arrangement has worked for us for almost 18 years.  Before that we both had ‘proper jobs’. The only problem was that we hardly ever saw each other.  And whilst I hated my job, she loved hers. Society believes that people who stay at home just sit and drink coffee watching crap daytime TV.  Personally I don’t do either. When all my daily tasks are completed, I am to be found in the garden (weather permitting) or building something. I have over the years made some money as an artist and photographer which I still do when the mood takes me.

The Fem inside
Over the years I have tried to keep my feminine side hidden, but there have been occasions when I was seriously set on becoming a woman. Keeping the girl in me a secret has brought me many years of great pain and confusion. I have always loved beauty, colours, makeup and fashion and to this day I have very little if anything in common with ‘real men’.  

How the GenderQueer me is breaking out
While I may never be a woman or even pass as one, I can be something else. Something else which makes much more sense than trying to convert this monkey into a unicorn. I can be both.  Now before you start rolling your eyes, I must underline what I mean. Being GenderQueer for me has nothing to do with SEX, It has everything to do with thoughts, feelings and looks. Over the past months I have awoken to the fact that I can let my female side show. I am not a woman on the outside and I am not a man on the inside,  but I can create my own unique look. Everyone is different and I would be foolish to assume what works for one another will work for another. To me being gender fluid is me waking up to the realisation I am whom am, and not to be afraid or hide away anymore.

The purpose of this site
I am using this site as a tool to explain how I feel about my gender and document what I discover whilst creating a skin I’m comfortable in. Topics will include: weight loss, skin care, make-up, fashion and gender, as well as a host of non related stuff that I find fascinating. In time, once I’ve perfected my look, I hope to be brave enough to start doing a Vlog on youtube as I fully understand we live in a time where many would rather watch than read.

Take care
Exhumea Deadheart

exhumeadeadheart

GenderQueer keeping the label big…

Humans have an Innate need to label things, it’s really not our best quality. Once a thing has a label we believe we know it, once we think we know it, all the wonder is sucked dry. We wander through the universe tagging and bagging everything. Everything must be pigeonholed including you. You can stamp your feet and scream till you puke, but once you’re labelled ain’t no one coming by for a long time, if ever to re-evaluate.

Like them bitches ‘fear and doubt’, your label will usually limit your life experience. For example, on exiting the womb you’re usually labelled boy or girl, that would be ok if it simply let people know what parts you have should you want to produce children. Sadly, genitalia is used by ‘the system’ to start a whole array of fixed programming patterns from colours, to hair cuts, emotional repertoire to even the material your clothes are made from. Despite the fact we claim society supports male and female equality ‘the system’ says otherwise. Thankfully for ‘the system’ at least most people don’t question their labels and those that do are just given another one which seldom does much to improve the situation. Let’s not forget the labels are usually handed out by traditional grey system men, who may mean well but simply don’t’ have much imagination or colour in their life. Even in 2018 boys that like pink and girls that like blue are still considered well’ special’ and it is typically hoped they grow out of it, or if necessary have it beaten or humiliated out of them by their peers.

I was given a label of boy as a child which my penis demands, my life, yes all 50+ years of it has been a rather difficult affair because very early on I figured I hated the boring life roles, not to mention the toys boys got. I was a hopeless boy and wanted to be a girl, as i aged things started not to seem so clear cut. Now I’m finally happy being  whatever the hell I want, whenever I want. Sure that really pisses a lot of people off,  including i’m sure my own parents if they were still alive. No one believes anyone should be able to have their cake and eat it too. People don’t like ambiguity, it requires that they treat everyone they meet as individuals which takes too much time and effort. However I think life is too short to be typecast into a role you never even chose.

All my life people have always called me different, even my own family and friends. I had no official label for my difference 40, 20 or even 2 years ago because either the label Genderqueer /gender-fluid didn’t exist or I’d never come across it. However, once I did hear the label and really thought about it I understood it was large enough to represent my myriad of feelings and desires. Everyday I feel people will do their best to make this large umbrella label as small as all the rest. They will say you have to be A or B and look like Y or Z in order to fit the tag.  If that happens and the label does shrink in the wash then I may conclude it can no longer fit me.  I wish we didn’t have to have stupid labels, but sadly they are needed in our small minded world. At their best labels protect, bond and validate thoughts actions and feelings, at their worst labels alienate, segregate and lead to trains that take people to be gassed.

exDtrooper

The Genderless Action figure from my childhood that sadly never was